Friday, December 30, 2005

2006 - The Year in Preview - Part 2

by SonDog

In case you missed it yesterday, here's part 1. Today, we move on to our 2006 Year in Preview - April through June.

April -- With no real talent remaining in college hoops, other than Adam Morrison of Gonzaga (who by this time has shaved his porn-star mustrash), people realize (ahem, me) that they absolutely forgot about March Madness. Therefore, every stupid thing Billy Packard said during the tournament on CBS is stricken from the record, saving his career for another month. Dick Vitale is found mumbling incoherently while crying outside of the ESPN studios in Bristol, CT.

The race for the NBA playoffs heats up. Kobe Bryant takes a whopping 53 shots in a game against Dallas, fueling speculation that he has a bad case of OCD while on the court. Teammate Lamar Odom is seen taking bong rips during a timeout, while casually telling coach Phil Jackson, "Dude, how did you put up with this guy for... wait... is that Jack Nicholson eating cheeze-its? Dude, that looks so yummy." On a side note, the premium for the insurance to cover Odom's bong is at a record level. In an interview after the game, Bryant claims, as he did in late-2005, that his shooting is simply creating more rebounding opportunities for his teammates. Odom is later found at center-court mumbling about the "amazing colors in the scoreboard, dude."

Realizing she hasn't been in the news for four months, socialite Paris Hilton tells US Weekly that she is battling an eating disorder. Later in the month, a sex tape of Hilton is "accidentally leaked" for the second time in two years. In the tape, it becomes abundantly clear that Hilton was lying about her eating disorder. The tape confirms what most already believed: Paris Hilton is the biggest slut that society has ever had to offer.

NFL fans are thrilled as draft-day nears. Here's a recap of ESPN's coverage leading up to the draft: Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart.

The only two men registering for the NFL Draft: Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart.

Also, the term "Texans want Bush in '06!" is heard for the 537th time, making it the longest-lasting, non-funny joke in sports history.

May -- The due-date for the off-spring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes nears. By this point, Cruise has turned nearly 87% of his fans against him by turning into the craziest idiot in Hollywood. Cruise returns to Oprah to plug the birth of his child, as well as his upcoming movie, Mission Impossible III. On the episode, Cruise breaks down in tears over his infamous jumping on the couch routine from a year earlier, then proceeds to strip down into nothing but a white dress shirt to rehash his scene from Risky Business. Cruise then goes on to contend that it is irresponsible for doctors to prescribe drugs to crazy people like himself. He then takes a wad of fiberglass, chews on it, and claims that Scientology has taught him that fiberglass is really just cotton candy. His stomach suddenly becomes itchy.

Outdoor Life Network starts promoting the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Whatever.

The NBA playoffs suffer from low ratings because of the foregone conclusion that San Antonio and Detroit will meet up in the finals. Other teams play each other with actual faith that they can challenge for the title. In order to create more drama, Commissioner David Stern makes a mandatory rule that every series must go to a game 7. And no, I'm not bitter over the officials screwing over the Kings against the Lakers in the 2002 Western Conference Championship.

June -- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes celebrate the one-year anniversary of their fake relationship. Rumors circulate that Holmes is being paid an exorbitant amount of money to not only act like she is in love with Cruise, but to resist the urge of punching him in the face on a daily basis. Sonograms of Holmes' child suggest that it is indeed an off-spring of Cruise, as it is seen laughing nonsensically and practicing a Scientology ritual with its umbilical cord. The baby is heard saying, "Why would my dad play The Last Samurai? He's not even Japanese! You should have known he was crazy then!"

To no surprise, the Spurs and Pistons meet in the NBA Finals. Al Michaels and the corpse of Hubie Brown announce the series. Brown is at this point being propped up from behind by Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. Viewers become suspicious of Brown's smirk and oversized sunglasses and question why Michaels keeps referring to him as "Mr. Lomax." For Michaels, it is the perfect situation as he now has his dream job... a booth with only him speaking. For McCarthy, it's the best gig he's had since co-starring with Kim Cattrall in the movie Manequin. For Silverman, it's the only thing he's done since Weekend at Bernie's

Jonathan Silverman, Hubie Brown and Andrew McCarthey in an ad for the NBA Finals on ABC.

ABC cameras show Tony Parker's flame, Eva Longoria, 83 times during the first two games. However, the fact that she is a Desperate Housewives' star is only mentioned 78 times. Between in-game commercials for Housewives and sideline camera shots, Longoria is seen more during the series' first two games than Pistons' reserve Darko Milicic was seen during the entire 2005-2006 series.

In baseball news, Congress holds another hearing to discuss the steroid issue in baseball. Barry Bonds, who has since passed Babe Ruth and is approaching Hank Aaron on the all-time homerun list, is blamed for not only being a bad role-model, but also for global warming, the missing WMD's in Iraq and the recent tornado that devastated small towns in Kansas. In related news, while Bonds' continues to contend he has never used Human Growth Hormone, his head has reached a record-setting size, with a diameter of two-feet.

This, my friends, is the largest cranium our civilization has ever seen. But, I still love to watch him hit.

Coming Soon: July - September - The DaVinci Code, NFL training camps, Brangelina, Vinnifer, and much more.

1 comment:

Luke Dannals said...

One of these days I'll tell you the story of the time I called Dick Vitale, Marv Albert to his face.