Monday, December 26, 2005

The Rock... Sort of

by SonDog

Over the course of the last six weeks or so, I’ve been asked on several occasions by co-workers and friends alike, “What the hell is your problem lately, dude?” The answer to that question is not a simple one, and one that requires some assistance from one of my favorite movies, staring Sean Connery and Nick Cage - The Rock.

Early in The Rock, after a tough day at work, Cage is having a conversation on the roof with his girlfriend, Vanessa Marcil. The following is not only some of the best dialogue from the movie, but also the same… exact… discussion… verbatim… that my wife, Lisa, and I had in late-November:

Lese (walking into the living room): I had a pretty exciting day today, sweetheart. How was yours?

SonDog (sitting on the couch, glass of Jameson on the rocks in hand): Oh, it was a pretty hellatious day… just clients thinking they rule the world… co-workers driving me up a wall… the Kings lost again… you know, shitty day all around… I’m kind of fed up with everything.

I mean it, honey, the world is being FedExe’d to hell on a hand-cart. I really believe that anybody who is even thinking about having a child in this world is coldly considering an act of cruelty.

[pause, Lese stares at Sonny]

I know, I know, I’m rambling, I’m complaining. I’m sorry. What’s your news, baby?”

Lese (laughing nervously): I’m pregnant.

SonDog (spitting out these words without hesitation): I’m sorry?

Lese (very, very nervously): I’m pregnant.

SonDog (in an utter state of disbelief): Woooooooow.

Lese: Well, you didn’t just mean what you just said, did you?

SonDog (confused): When?

Lese: Just right now when you were talking about bringing a child into this world and having it be an… an act of cruelty?

SonDog (even more confused): I meant it at the time.

Lese: At the time? Sonny, at the time? You said it 7.5 seconds ago!

SonDog (coming to grips with what he has just been told): Well… gosh, quite a lot has happened since then.

It’s amazing how your entire philosophy of life can change in 7.5 seconds.

Two pieces of background information that you should know: 1) To give Lese and myself first-hand knowledge of what it would be like changing diapers, I immediately shit my pants. 2) The pregnancy really should not have been such a shock to me as I remember the exact time I refused to go to my bench throughout a very competitive and exciting game. The starters were, um, performing so well, that I decided simply that I would exhaust my starting, um, unit, until the game was over. In short, we pulled the goalie.


Bob the tour guide: “What’s a matter, fellas? Something wrong with the tour?

General Hummel: “Tour’s over, Bob.”

One of the unintentionally funniest Ed Harris moments of the movie is also the perfect metaphor for me coming to grips with the task at hand.

Quite honestly, I would have always found a reason to not be ready for a baby. We had discussed starting a family on numerous occasions, but it always came back to one thing - my utter selfishness to continue to be the only child I needed in my life.

While I consider myself a good man, it’s no secret that outside of work I like to party and drink with the boys and watch sports until the wee hours of the morning and generally act like I’m still a teenager. Honestly, I have felt like my wife was already raising a kid, and that kid was a 27-year-old who has a nickname with Dog in it.


John Mason (Sean Connery with his thick Scottish accent): "Are you shure you're ready for thish?"

Stanley Goodspeed (Cage): "I'll do my best."

Mason: "Your "bessht"! Loshers always whine about giving their bessht. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen."

Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."

Mason: "Really?"

Goodspeed: [cocks his gun] "Yeah."

On a side note: Nobody, and I mean nobody, can imitate Sean Connery’s voice as well as NaceDog. He has it down to a science, and rarely have I ever laughed as hard as the time when he left the “Your bessht?” dialogue on my answering machine.

This hilarious part of the movie is a perfect description on my feelings towards fatherhood. Your best just isn’t good enough. Because, indeed, losers always whine about giving their best.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have built up a sincere confidence level in my father-to-be and ultimately parental abilities. At the moment, there are roughly 37 self-help books in my bedroom about how to be a good husband during the pregnancy process, what to say and what not to say to your wife during critical times (like, between the hours of being awake and going to sleep), to, of course, being a good dad once the pregnancy is over.

I’ve never been a big fan of self-help books, but I felt the need to at least consult something other than the all-time classic, Oh F***… She’s Pregnant! I’ve talked at length with BH about fatherhood (as his son is coming up on 2-years-old)… I’ve talked at length with OZ about the pregnancy period (as he is in the process at the moment)… I’ve talked on numerous occasions with myself about the changes that I know I need to make in my own life over the course of the next seven months or so… and after a few whiskeys, I’ve even talked to my dog, Rocky, about the whole situation (although, we neutered him a while back, so I don’t know how much advice I can expect.).

Anyways, my point is that I am working on becoming a sponge for knowledge. I’m at a point where I 1) can’t wait for this to happen, and 2) have the full knowledge that I am going to be the World’s Best Sports Dad… er, I mean World’s Best Dad.


Goodspeed: "Well, I'm one of those fortunate people who like my job, sir. Got my first chemistry set when I was seven, blew my eyebrows off, we never saw the cat again, been into it ever since."

Consider my eyebrows blown off. But one thing is for sure, I love this job, and I’m into it. You will be hearing much, much more about this over the coming months.


Okay, sorry, that was maybe a little too sappy. So, courtesy of OZ, I will end this in Austin Powers, The Spy That Shagged Me fashion:

Dr. Evil: "You had me at hello....tear...nothing?"

Scott: "You're an idiot"

Dr. Evil: "You know what Scott, zip it. And when you're in the main chamber, try to use the big-boy voice."


shadrach78 said...

holy Fuck beans! After reading that I feel like I shouldnt even curse around you cause you got one on the way. First of all, the article is hilarious, love the "pull the goalie line" and Congradufuckinglations! I as happy as Moller at an open bar for you! Details, details.....

Sophia said...

Congratulations, how exciting!!!