Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Thou Shalt Not Leaketh

Upon completing James Dobson's course on Holy and Righteous Discipline, His Highness the Douche King Roger Goodell has another message for his lowly minions.

Following the not-so-shocking news that a few NFL prospects like to smoke a little sticky-icky (which is not even a drug) while they are playing Wii Tiger Woods, Goodell could not help but make a threat.

"In the memo, Goodell wrote that leaking such information would be considered "conduct detrimental to the game" and that violators would be subject to unspecified discipline."

And we all know what "unspecified discipline" means.

Ladies and Gentlemen, today we have something special for you readers out there. After Frou Goodell felled mighty Pacman with his sword of justice, I took it upon myself to formulate a conspiracy theory. Call me crazy, but here it is:

Roger Goodell is part of a world-wide Illuminati conspiracy. The goal of this evil plan is to desensitize the American people, to make them accustomed to and "comfortable with" totalitarian governmental decisions. Our current administration has been accused of utilizing these same devious methods in order to prepare our country for martial law.

Let's take a look at the facts: Commish Goodell's father was both a US Representative and Senator from New York, "notable for coming into both offices under special circumstances following the deaths of his predecessors." Sound familiar? He also went to Yale. Sound familiar?

Goodell's shady father and his bio SCREAM conspiracy:

"On September 10, 1968, he was appointed by the governor of New York, Nelson Rockefeller, as a Republican to the United States Senate to fill the unexpired term of the assassinated Senator Robert F. Kennedy..."

So you've got a Kennedy assassination, followed by a Rockefeller appointment...HELLO!!!!!

If that's not enough...Goodell's gay brother, Michael, is the partner (not sure if he's the butch or the femme) of TV writer Jack Kenny, who recently created the highly controversial show, The Book of Daniel, in which the TV family was actually based on the Goodell family.


We've all heard about this "new conduct policy" right? But can anyone send us a copy of it? Maybe a link to a page where we all could look at it? You know, so we can look at what specific rules and restrictions are in there? I mean, is it even an actual document, or something similar to Midrash?

I found this article, which originally spawned my conspiracy theory. The language of this new Midrashish policy leaves the term "conduct detrimental" to opinion. Who's opinion? Goodell's? How are players supposed to know what they can and can't do? According to this article the local cops are going to tell them. That makes us feel much better.

"We hold ourselves to higher standards of responsible conduct because of what it means to be part of the National Football League. We have long had policies and programs designed to encourage responsible behavior, and this policy is a further step in ensuring that everyone who is part of the NFL meets that standard. We will continue to review the policy and modify it as warranted."

What policy? Can I see it? You know, because "responsible behavior" is somewhat speculative...

And what the hell does that mean, "we will continue to review the policy and modify it as warrented..."? Hell, Bush's Iraq War Exit Plan is clearer than that.

"He did not say how he would punish those teams, although stripping them of draft choices is considered one of the most effective ways to do so."

Wha? Are you serious? Stripping of draft choices? David Stern is such a pussy compared to you. Hell, Stalin is starting to look like a pussy next to you.

"It is not enough to simply avoid being found guilty of a crime," the new policy says. "Instead, as an employee of the are held to a higher standard and expected to conduct yourself in a way that is responsible, promotes the values upon which the league is based, and is lawful."

So yeah, if you could go ahead and forward me those "values" and "standards" you so frequently speak of, we'll get right on that.

"Persons who fail to live up to this standard of conduct are guilty of conduct detrimental and subject to discipline, even where the conduct itself does not result in conviction of a crime."

Yeah- so let me see if I have this right:

The "new policy" is all in Goodell's little head, subject to change, not really specific concerning any certain behaviors other than being arrested (wrongly or otherwise), can be modified to fit whatever fleeting emotion Goodell experiences, is completely contradictory to our actual established United States Judicial system and its values (which state a man is innocent until proven guilty).

Sound familiar?


SonDog said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Avery Peeker said...

Awesome post. Glad I stumbled on this.