Monday, April 23, 2007

To hell and... um, still there

Left to right, the Maloof Family: Joe, Gavin, Mama, Fagatini, Assmonkey. Known to those around them as, "Sexy Bitches."

As the resident Sacramento Kings "expert" of MHR, I planned on doing a season recap of what has been a dreadfully boring and lost season for Kings Nation (yes, there is a Kings Nation. It consists of OZ, myself, some guy named "Chaz," and these guys.). I planned on starting with Eric "Crazy Drunkard" Musselman's arrest for Driving While Short (and drunk), but then I decided to completely make up a conversation that took place last week at Kings' headquarters. Here's the text:


GM Geoff Petrie walks into the office of Gavin and Joe Maloof (note: like conjoined twins, the Maloof's do everything together, including meet with their GM)

Gavin Maloof: Thanks for coming today Geoff.

Geoff Petrie: No problem. It's nice to see you guys in Sacramento again. What's it been, 3 months?

Joe Maloof: (chuckling uncomfortably) We've been a little tied up lately in Vegas, Geoff. Busy as all get-out at the Palms. I'm sure you understand, even if the SacBee doesn't. So, let's get right into it. Why don't you give us your honest evaluation of the season?

Geoff Petire: Well, I know you guys were the ones responsible for firing Rick Adelman, hiring Eric Musselman, and trading for Artest... all against my wishes... so I say this with all due respect, but the season was a train wreck.

Gavin Maloof: (nodding in agreement) Geoff, we know we fucked up with hiring Musslehead. (Joe laughs in background as if it's the first time he's heard that joke) So, what I'm about to say must stay in this room... The truth is, Mussleman is dead to me.

Geoff Petrie: Well, I mean, nobody would argue that he did a shitty job but he has some good qualities as a human being and...

Gavin Maloof: (interrupting) No, no seriously. Seriously. He's dead to me. I know this guy in Loomis who, for no more than $3,000, says he'll do it in a heartbeat. His name is "Ron." Says he's a "Hitman Tru Warrior" or something.

Joe Maloof: (interrupting) GAVIN!?!

(Petrie sits in stunned silence as Joe looks dumbfoundedly across the room at Gavin.)

Gavin Maloof: (incredulous) What?

Petrie: Um... you know... you know that's... that's our "Ron?" Ron Artest?

Gavin Maloof: Wait... what?

Joe Maloof: Gavin, you didn't...

Gavin Maloof: You mean... I... Wait... Holy hell... Oh shit.

(The three men sit in uncomfortable silence.

Hitman Tru Warrior

Joe Maloof: What if we just fired Musslehead instead?

Geoff Petrie: I think, um, that would be a, um, better choice.

Gavin Maloof: (speechless, with mouth wide open) I..... ah... um... I...

Joe Maloof: (paging secretary, talking into phone) Dorris, get Ron Artest on the phone, immediately!

Gavin Maloof: (speechless, with mouth wide open) I..... ah... um... I...
(A full minute goes by without any man saying a word)

Joe Maloof: (chuckling uncomfortably, trying to change the subject) So, Geoff, what do you think we need heading into this off-season.

Geoff Petrie: I think we need you guys to stop making basketball-related decisions, first and...

Gavin Maloof: (cutting Petrie off, mid-sentence) DONE!! DONE!! DONE!! WHATEVER YOU WANT! Yup, here and now we'll stop making basketball-related decisions. Does that work for you, Geoff? This conversation stays in this room, right, Geoff? Please?

Geoff Petrie: Um, sure. So you guys will stay out of my business this off-season? Because, by my calculations, my teams made eight straight playoffs, whereas your team made zero.

Gavin Maloof: DONE!! DONE!!

Joe Maloof: Sure Geoff. This off-season is your call. So, what do you think we need?

Geoff Petrie: We need to call Danny Ferry again and see if Cleveland will take Bibby.
Joe Maloof: I hear he played like shit this year?
Geoff Petrie: Like a steaming pile of shit, to be more precise.
Joe Maloof: Okay. I think the fans would probably agree. What else?
Geoff Petrie: I think it goes without saying that we need to get rid of Artest, and I don't care what we get back in return.
Joe Maloof: Gavin! For the last time, shut your pie-hole!
Gavin Maloof: (goes back to chugging a martini - Gavin always carries a martini with him in his Kings' Nalgene bottle)
Joe Maloof: What about the draft, Geoff? Let's draft that Oden guy... or even that Durant fella! Yeah, let's draft Durant!
Gavin Maloof: OH! OH! I'M A GENIUS!! LET'S DRAFT BOTH!!!
Geoff Petrie: Guys, do you know what a lottery is?
Joe Maloof: Isn't that some game that poor people play if they want to become rich like Gavin and I?
(Gavin laughs uncomfortably while drinking his martini)
Geoff Petrie: Yes, yes it is. But in this case, our team is the "poor people" and Phoenix is the "rich people."
Joe Maloof: Right. Okay. So we can't draft those guys just because we want to?
Geoff Petrie: No.
Gavin Maloof: But we're rich? Can't we just pay somebody off?
Geoff Petrie: No.
Gavin Maloof: Wait... I don't get it?
Geoff Petrie: Tell you what guys, I gotta get going. I got an 11am tee time with Adelman over at the Castle Pines Country Club, then I gotta get on a jet and head for Europe to do some scouting for the draft.
Gavin Maloof: Eur-ope? Is that somewhere between here and Vegas? Maybe we can stop in and finish of this discussion then?
Geoff Petrie: Um, no. I'll call you guys in a couple of weeks. Have fun this weekend at the Palms.
Joe Maloof: We will, Geoff. You sure you don't want to come with us? Do some "scouting" there, if ya'knowwhudImean, hu, hu, hu?! (Gavin and Joe both start laughing like Steve Martin in The Jerk)
Geoff Petrie: Alright, I'm outa here. Later fellas.


OZ said...

Firing Muss was a good sign that something will be happening this off season. My picks for replacement:

1) Terry porter
2) Stan Van Gundy
3) PJ Carlismo (as long as Ron is gone)

the butler said...

Anyone else smell a Pete Rose-esque gambling scandal in the very near future?

SonDog said...

They had no choice but to fire Musslehead. I was thinking about Terry Porter too. They missed out on hiring Byron Scott a couple of years ago and that one still stings. Petrie will take his time on this one, I'm sure. I'm going to write an Open Letter to the Maloofs very soon.