Monday, February 18, 2008

Pageturd shills for the Dodgers

The important lessons one learns upon reading Pageturd's latest dingleberry?

-He wants you to know he takes himself seriously...

Five minutes into spring cleaning, and Matt Kemp and I are already having a fight."I'll buy," I said, holding out my credit card to the man working the cash register at Mack Daddy's, a soul food place next to his gym on a cluttered street.

"No, no, no," he said, pulling out a large bill to pay for his food."Listen," I said. "I buy for young players. I always have. When you make the big money, you can buy mine."

-He is clever because he calls spring training "spring cleaning."

-Matt Kemp not being a dick, hitting 20 bombs, driving in 80 runs, and OBPing .350 means the Dodgers will be good. Turns out Matt Kemp is Bengie Molina.

-Pageturd writes what the Dodgers want, then makes that clear when he gets a bad reaction...

Those complaints reached the ears of Dodgers management, whose thoughts reached me, so I wrote a column about the possibility that Kemp would be traded.

It wasn't my idea, it was the Dodgers' idea, yet judging from the angry responses I received, you would have thought I put a "For Sale" sign in front of Kemp's locker.In the end, the Dodgers decided to keep him.

-Kemp is represented by Dave Stewart (from the Eurythmics, or the A's? Or some other less important version?).

-Pageturd does that super hacky hack thing in which the most meaningless things an athlete says get assigned slow-motion, movie-moment significance. Like when Rachel Nichols finishes any report on Sportscenter, she'll finish it with a quote, in which the last two words are emphasized so it sounds as if Socrates himself had been reborn, lending all his efforts in profundity to some Nascar driver.

(Nichols): I asked Clint Bowyer if he was worried about his chances of winning on Sunday. He said 'Well, if the car runs well all race and we can get in and out of the pits quickly...(slows down, speaking more deliberately) we'll be in a good position.' At Talledega, this is Rachel Nichols with my head so far up someones ass that I have a job.

So anyway, Pageturd does it eighteen times per column...

"We didn't make the playoffs, we were all frustrated, it was blown out of proportion, we're all learning here," he said.

Learning indeed, Matt Kemp, the Dodgers, all of us.

"See you in Vero," he said with a big grin as he climbed into his dirt-splattered SUV outside the restaurant.

We'll all be waiting.

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