Monday, January 02, 2006

Best of 2005 -- Keep Me Away From Home Depot

As originally posted on October 16, 2005
By an exhausted SonDog

When I was ten-years-old, I couldn't stop collecting baseball cards. Every time a new collection came on the market, I pounced. Back then, a pack of baseball cards was 50 cents, and it came with a stick of gum. These days, a pack of cards costs $3.75, and you don't get the gum, rather, you just get the screwed. I like to think that my inability to not by a pack of cards when I was ten led to this price gouging.

With this in mind, there is a good chance that a power-drill is going to cost $723.00 by the time I'm 50.

You see, I have trouble in a place like Home Depot. Ever since LeseDog and I bought a house, I just can't stop collecting power tools, non-power tools, screws, bolts, lumber, and everything in between. If I go into Home Depot for a five minute mission... there is not such a thing as a five minute mission.

I awoke on Saturday morning with the full knowledge that my neighbor, Bill, and I were going to have a home/automobile/manliness improvement day. We discussed various options on Friday night, but by Saturday morning we were still not exactly sure what we were going to accomplish through our weekend. (In hindsight, this was due in large part to the amount of whiskey we consumed on Friday. However, I've never believed in hindsight, so I'm not about to give credit to it here. Damn you hindsight!) Rotation of automobile tires, final stages of the construction of Bill's deck roof, wood cutting, bathroom tiling... there were many projects that we had in which to select.

As we slowly warmed up our proverbial engines on Saturday, we were blinded by the realization that the first thing we needed to do was jump in my truck and head to Home Depot and Napa. We needed gutters for Bill's roof, some paint and some screws to finish the job. Home Depot, you're here to help. We also needed a hydraulic jack to lift the cars, as our crank-powered jacks in our respective garages just wouldn't suffice for proper tire rotation. Thus, we had decided on our two projects for the day. In order to start, we just had to complete the five-minute mission that was going to Home Depot to get the prerequisite tools.

Three hours later, Bill and I returned to our complex to begin our work. Yes, five minutes had indeed morphed into three hours. Why, you may ask? Because Home Depot pumps an addictive formula into its central air system that makes you crave its products fortnightly, I respond. How else would you explain how I came home with a new reciprocating saw, chainsaw, variable speed orbital jigsaw, circular saw, hammer drill, stud finder, shop vac, fire-proof safe, and a handy-dandy, fancy-shmancy Ryobi bag to haul it all with? Hmmm? How would you explain that otherwise? (Really, I'm not close to kidding, because LeseDog would really like me to explain this to her. If you could throw me a bone here, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm, truly, at a loss. Because, remember, we still had to go to Napa.)

Home Depot will have you believe that this product is an absolute necessity for any home-improvement needs.

The Napa trip wasn't nearly as bad. We did come back with a hydraulic jack, new windshield wipers for both my truck and LeseDog's SUV, as well as two 60-pound sandbags for winter driving, some wiper fluid, and an amazingly beautiful scented air-freshener for my truck. (Seriously, it really DOES smell like an ocean breeze in my vehicle right now.)

While rotating the tires on my Frontier, I couldn't help but be annoyed by the damage that I had caused to my truck's step-side over four years before. Rotating the tires was a breeze, but auto-body work presented a challenge. Could I indeed fix this eye-sore that I created? Did I really need to take it into a shop, when I had two hands here that could make an attempt at salvation? Sure, this would delay the project Bill and I had planned to complete his roof, but it should only take a moment. We still had plenty of hours at our disposal before the day was over. Long story short, we fixed it. I'm still not quite sure why it took me four years to develop the confidence to fix this step-side, but I am leaning towards believing that the enormous purchase of power tools hours earlier had something, somehow, to do with this sudden burst of confidence in my auto-improvement ability.

So, it was on to the roof. We had completed most of the job the weekend prior, but we still had to install some gutters before our masterpiece would be complete.

If only it was so easy.

After two more absolutely legitimate trips to Home Depot, I was suddenly the owner of a 200-piece bit set for my new power drill, a fast-action bit adaptor for said drill, a Roughneck trash can for my garage (plus lid), and VERY NEARLY the owner of a caulking gun, planer, 150-piece socket set, and a beautifully designed Husky air-compressor system (maybe next weekend). By the time we returned from our last trip, LeseDog demanded I hand over my wallet.

New and Revolutionary?! I gotta have it.

We completed the project on the roof with time to spare for a fabulous linguini and clam dinner prepared by Bill's wife Jean. It was all the fuel Bill and I would need for our Sunday project.

You see, I've determined that what makes a man a man is not shopping for a plethora of tools. What makes him a man is using said tools. If you have not read the "From Hero to Zero" post from two weeks ago, click on the link to the right. For, Bill and I had decided that we were going to cut more wood on Sunday. By God, we had families to care for through the quickly-approaching winter, and we needed to get more fuel.

Of course, that would necessitate a stop at Home Depot for some chain oil on Sunday morning.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're insane. You lost me after drinking too much whiskey. DMo