Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Mind of Soon to be Dads

by SonDog

As you've probably inferred from past "Mind of Kings Fans" posts, OZ and I have a pretty good friendship. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we have a man-crush on one another, but we know more about the other than we probably should. We were roommates in college for about three years. OZ and I can hold two-hour discussions on topics ranging nowhere outside of personal insults and attacks on one another's faults. It usually starts out with regards towards him having more hair than a southeast-Asian orangutan, and myself being as bald as a Pacific Ocean baby sea lion.

OZ and I compete in pretty much every aspect of our lives. If one of us is doing something, then the other needs to do it better... or faster... or stronger... or whatever type of gauge we can use to compete. For example, when he found out I was getting married, he had to go and get married two weeks before I did. So, when I found out that he and his wife were having a baby, I knew that Lese and I would not be far behind. Once we both have our first child, there's a good chance that we will put together an excel spreadsheet to document which father is doing a better job of fostering an ideal environment for the newborn.

Anyway, most of our daily emails start out first thing in the morning. I get to work, open my email, and there sits a message from OZ. OZ works as an accountant in Sacramento, but he still beats me to work on a daily basis, despite the fact that he lives in PST and I live in MST, and we are supposed to work the same 8-5 schedule. His ridiculous work-ethic is something I both highly respect and find downright hysterical. Monday's email started with a discussion about our beloved Sacramento Kings. However, it quickly turned to a discussion about fatherhood. I hope you find the following email chain inspiring and a good representation of how good we both will be at both fatherhood and godfatherhood:

OZ -- ...I'm not a good gauge as I thought the Kings would win the Pacific. I did however correctly call Phoenix being just fine until Amare comes back, thereby making them a powerhouse again.

Kel's 21 weeks. Actually, I don't think I've told you yet but we have ultrasound pics and we are having a boy. I'm going to get the pics scanned soon and I'll e-mail them to you.

SonDog -- YOU'RE JUST NOW TELLING ME THAT I'M GOING TO HAVE A GODSON!!!! THAT'S AWESOME!!!! At what week did you find out? We're at 13 weeks now, and I think the doctor said we can find out at 20 weeks. Congratulations!

Should I buy him a lifetime supply of Mach 3 Turbo razors right now?

OZ -- Aha. That's probably not a bad idea, though I didn't have to start shaving until 4th grade.

It's a little weird because I was POSITIVE we were having a girl. So sure in fact that I've been referencing the baby as Jillian and giving the poor kid a complex. Now we have to readjust, which is fine as we didn't have a gender preference at all, we just need to get into the boy mindset. In particular, we can't agree on a name we both like. We considered using Robert Kerstiens IV, just so you couldn't.

SonDog -- You know, "Jillian" would be a good stage name if your son ever becomes a drag queen. Of course, as the Godfather, I might have to lay down the thunder of Zeus in that scenario (on you, not him).

OZ -- So, you still plan on going through with naming your kid Robert, even though you've gone through your entire life by a different name? If you have a boy, is it possible for him to be born with a receding hairline?

My future son, just hours before his first trip to Hair Club for Men.

SonDog -- He will not be referred to as Robert if it's a boy. I'm kind of thinking we're going to have a girl though. My hair started receding in third grade, so I don't think he would be born with a receding hairline. However, there is a strong chance that he will demand whiskey in his bottle.

Will your son come out of the womb saying things like, "This Sacramento team has the potential to be one of the best ever?"

OZ -- Will your kid come out saying things like, "'Melo is the shizzy my nizzy" while having the pasty white complexion you are known for?

SonDog -- Will your kid come out saying things like, "This Kings bench has the potential to be better than the days of the 'bench mob,'" while bearing a strong resemblance to the Kings' ultra-hairy mascot, Slamson?

OZ -- Will your kid come out saying things like, "Aye bloke! Get a single bloody rebound!" while referring to all drinks in pints?

Speaking of which, is it possible that the child will have an accent? I don't mean British, I'm referring to the dumbshitian dialect you've become so fond of speaking.

SonDog -- I imagine the kid will have a non-regional diction, although if I get pissed off at him or her, there is a chance that I'll send him/her to England for a summer to visit the grandparents. If that happens, the child may get a cross-cultural lesson in grammar, saying things like, "Steady on there homemate, my chaps and I plan on visiting the mizzi in the hizzi at half seven."

Have you given thought to the fact that you might scare the living hell out of your child the first time you don't wear a shirt in front of him? Not because he thinks he's looking at a gorilla, but because he will be deathly afraid that one day he will look like you? I think you should start researching how to psychologically cure his soon-to-be complex.

OZ's future son, after the first time he sees his dad getting out of the shower.

OZ -- So you're saying that if I say potatoes will put hair on his chest, he'll spit them out faster than a Hindi eating a cheeseburger?

I'm wondering at what point you decided that due to your lack of cranial hair, no portion of your body should have the accursed growth and you would battle it with Nair and shaving gel for the rest of your life. Your kid's going to think you're an Olympic swimmer until he sees you flop around in the water like a yellow hat (BH will get that).

SonDog -- Either that or the kid's going to look at me like I'm a character off of X-Men.

So, if you even say the word "hair," there is a good chance your son will spontaneously suffer an epileptic seizure from fear? And at what age will your child be stronger than you? 3 or 4?

OZ -- I don't think that having a shiny head makes you an X-men character. Usually the physically deformed ones are villains anyway.

So if you have a boy, are you hoping he gets Lese's athletic talent? I guess saying, "You throw like your mom" in your child's case would be a distinct improvement over the alternative.

SonDog -- If I'm in a chair, I would look like Professor Xavier.

I'm out like your child's ability (assuming he gets your grammatical skills) to put together a complete sentence.


DMo said...

Point goes to Sonny. He put up the funny monkey shot. Monkeys are funny.

bh said...

I get that.

sondog said...

What does it mean? The Yellow hat? I'm assuming it has something to do with the kids who ride the short bus?

And monkeys are awesome. The bald kid was something though, as well. I never knew there was "Baby Pattern Baldness," but a google search determined that there is such a thing. And yes, I am starting to get concerned.