Thursday, January 19, 2006

Mind of Dad

posted by BH

For you cute "Soon to be Dads," here you go. Call it, preparation from a friend. Oh, fatherhood has its good parts. Great parts, that far outweigh anything negative. But you are going to remember longingly the days when you could say, "Well, at least I've never been vomited on." You will, at least once but probably far more frequently during your child's first two years:

-be covered with shit
-put a diaper on wrong, increasing the likelihood that you will be covered with shit
-be urinated on
-be covered with vomit
-be punched in the nards
-be quoted with precision after saying "shit"
-have to pull dog or cat food out of your child's mouth
-spend a night without sleep
-lose gadgets like the remote or telephone
-find your child playing in the toilet
-spend an entire four-hour drive listening to nothing but The Wiggles
-be bitten
-have facial or cranial hair yanked on without regard for the person occupying space under said hair.
-get into an argument with your kid in which the only words uttered are, "Watch Nemo (by the kid)," and "No, football (by the Dad)."
-find Life cereal in your bed
-lose keys
-have some kind of poop find it's way into your child's mouth, whether it's from a cat, dog, chicken, human, turtle, monkey, whatever. It. Will. Happen.
-have your hearing damaged

And there's more. So much more.

11 comments:

sondog007 said...

I've got the hair part covered. By the way, as an already-a-dad, did your wife try to use the excuse of "but, I'm carrying your baby," in order to get out of helping with a) dinner b) dishes c) laundry d) cleaning e) anything remotely close to helping you accomplish something? I need to know this, because I'm wondering if it's justifiable. Yes, she has to put up with the displeasure of carrying a bowling ball in her gut for nine months, but still...

sondog said...

I have no idea why 007 came up. Maybe the sytem thinks I'm James Bond.

lese said...

BH, don't let him fool you, please. I do plenty - most of everything - around this place, while carrying what is right now the size of a cricket ball.

OZ said...

What the hell size is a cricket ball?

"Criket?! Criket?! You gotta know what a crupet is to understand Criket."

I will whole heartedly support Lese on this. Son is without a doubt the biggest slob I've ever lived with, and their place always looks nice now. That's not him. What I'm wondering is now that LeseDog is carrying his baby, will he help with a) dinner b) dishes c) laundry d) cleaning e) anything remotely close to helping you accomplish something?

bh said...

By the way, as an already-a-dad, did your wife try to use the excuse of "but, I'm carrying your baby," in order to get out of helping with a) dinner b) dishes c) laundry d) cleaning e) anything remotely close to helping you accomplish something?

No, but she's insane. She tried to pretend that nothing had changed, and she was capable of doing all the things she had done prior to holding a 40 pound ball of human and goo in front of her. My only real change was having to clean the cat box.

DMo said...

Wow, the baby is the size of a cricket ball!! I'm just going to assume that that means baseball. But still that's a lot bigger than a lima bean. Yes Sonny it is all justifiable. If you are still allowed to sit on the couch, drink whiskey and watch pointless Kings games every night, you are lucky. If I had your bald seed pushing out my tummy and keeping me from drinking you'd be in a world of hurt. I mean that. I'm pretty sure I would be one of those angry bitchy ones that throws shit. I guess that's why God made me a man. So am I like the only single person that reads and responds to these things?

SonDog said...

My dinner last night was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of leftover hot and sour soup from May Palace. I wish I was making this up. I also ate a can of pringles at about 10:30 while watching the game.

DMo, your point is well taken. But I didn't need the thought of me knocking you up. For the record, my wife has a much more difficult task than I do at the moment (See: carrying of baby vs. just watching the carrying of baby.) so she can do what she wants. I once watched OZ survive for an entire semester on nothing but Tostinos Pizzas, so I know that it can be done. BH, you have no idea how easy you had it if Amy still did all those things. No idea.

glamerica said...

You guys are funny as Hell. I am 27 and in a serious relationship (no doubt endding with marriage). And all of my friends are getting married and starting to have kids. You guys sound like my buddies. I guess reading your blog is a good warm-up for what I have in the years to come. Jesus.....

Whitey

bh said...

Don't get me wrong. I still had to put up with hearing about not doing those things, it's just that she refused to let me do them. I would much rather have done things than have put up with hearing that I'm a slovenly turd who has no idea about this and that. I wish I could blame it all on the pregnancy, but it probably has more to do with having a wife who likes to feel like I owe her something. Obviously, we have a healthy relationship.

sondog said...

"...I'm a slovenly turd..."

I'm going to begin each comment with that now, because that's just comedy.

Glamerica -- best of luck as you get ready to take the plunge. You have a lot to look forward to.

A-Dog said...

BH: Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with your whine?