2006 -- A Year in Preview - Part 4

by SonDog

My brother-in-law (Simon) and I have a fun relationship. Simon is British, coincidentally living in Britain. We're kind of like Stewie and Brian in Family Guy. Our conversations usually revolve around nothing but sarcasm and attempts at witty humor. We've held five-minute conversations about absolutely nothing. I'm dead serious. Nothing. Anyways, Simon is kind of like the Stewie to my Brian. For example: Every early-October, Simon will say to me (in Stewie's voice), "So, who will be the baseball champion of the entire universe... er, I mean the WORLD, this year?"

Brian (me), with drink in hand: "Uh, probably New York or Boston if the executives have anything to do with it."

Stewie: "So, let me, let me just ask you one question: The team that wins, they... they win a championship between other teams in the world, right?"

Brian: "Well, America is leader of the free world, so kind of."

Stewie: "Wait, you... you mean NOBODY in the world has a chance to win this, this supposed world championship?"

Brian: "Wait, wait, wait, wait... Toronto is in Canada, right? They have a team."

Stewie: "Oh, oh, oh. I see, I see. So, it's not really a world championship then, is it?"

Brian: "Are you saying that Canada is not part of the world, dude?"

Stewie: "We Brits consider it part of America..."

It's at this point that we both start laughing like a couple of fifth-graders, I make a comment about unintentional humor of witnessing an English-man trying to play baseball, he retorts with something about how soccer is the real "football", and then we go on to drinking our Scotch.

I'm on the left, Simon is on the right.

Anyways, on to the final part of the 2006 Year in Preview:

October -- The Yankees and San Francisco Giants battle it out for the right to be the baseball Champion of the World. In what will become his proverbial swan song, Barry Bonds crushes 7 homers in the first 5 games. The Giants end up taking the World Series in six, and Bonds gets to walk away from baseball as a champion, and as the greatest hitter who ever lived. (Editor's Note: In case you haven't inferred from my previous posts, I am a Bonds fan. While I freely admit that the man has been on more juice than an 87-year-old with a broken jaw, it hasn't taken away from my enjoyment of watching him play. If there ever was a fake prediction that I hope comes true, this one is it. A lone tear now comes to thine eye. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.)

In football news, Vince Young, still steaming after being forced to play for the New Orleans Saints, decides to scrap the entire playbook and just run the ball himself on every play. The decision works out for the best as Young runs for 1,000 yards in the first three games of the season. In related news, we hear reports on FOX, CBS, and ESPN about Young being a great "black" quarterback. (Which reminds me, haven't we advanced to a point yet where a black quarterback can be referred to as a great quarterback? Not just a great "black" quarterback? This bothers me. Almost as much as references to Tony Dungy as a great "black" coach. The man is a great coach, whether he was black, white or fucking purple. I will now leap down from my soapbox and go back to watching the new Soul Train on BET.)

In celebrity news, Paris Hilton does something stupid to get attention. Lindsey Lohan admits that she lost her breasts in a heroin-induced bulimia accident. And, what month would be complete without Tom Cruise saying something void of any logical thought.

November -- My child learns his or her first breakdancing move, then proceeds to poop their diapers. By the end of the month, Lese wants to strangle me as I have repeated the same Oops, I Crapped My Pants monologue from Saturday Night Live a whopping 37 times. "Now, imagine that this gallon of iced tea is really a gallon of..."

What makes me such an expert? Because I'm wearing them, and I just did.

My child doesn't find the humor quite yet in this joke.

In football news, Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart do a joint interview before the Texans - New York Jets game to discuss how hard it is to have so many high expectations. In the interview, Leinart wonders aloud if there are any hot women left in either LA or NY that he hasn't slept with.

In the NBA, the season kicks off with another Kobe "The Mamba" Bryant controversy. Rather than "Mamba", Kobe wants people to refer to him as "The Stalker" or "Therapist." Somewhere, Sean Connery is saying, "I'll take 'The Rapist' for $500, Alex." Rumors fly that in the pre-season Lamar Odom tried with all his might to shove his six-ft bong up Kobe's...

December -- The Brothers Maloof announce that they plan on moving the Sacramento Kings (and the World Champion Sacramento Monarchs) to Las Vegas in 2008. The population of groupies in Las Vegas explodes by three-fold. In true Vegas fashion, the Maloofs make the announcement at their Palms resort, surrounded by supermodels, ice-sculpted shot slides and the envy of every guy in the world. Meantime, in Sacramento, politicians debate whether or not to plant almonds, pecans or walnuts in the expanse around Arco Arena. The debate is expected to last for years.

Politicians debate whether or not to change the name of Iraq to Iraqansas OR New Yoraq.

David Hasselhoff makes a short-lived comeback with Knight Rider, 2010. Viewers tune in for the pilot episode expecting to see numerous boobs (true to Hasselhoff's Baywatch days). People are shocked to find only one boob on the show... Hasselhoff.

And with that, may you have a Merry Christmas in 2006.

I don't have the words.