Mind of Dad

posted by BH

For you cute "Soon to be Dads," here you go. Call it, preparation from a friend. Oh, fatherhood has its good parts. Great parts, that far outweigh anything negative. But you are going to remember longingly the days when you could say, "Well, at least I've never been vomited on." You will, at least once but probably far more frequently during your child's first two years:

-be covered with shit
-put a diaper on wrong, increasing the likelihood that you will be covered with shit
-be urinated on
-be covered with vomit
-be punched in the nards
-be quoted with precision after saying "shit"
-have to pull dog or cat food out of your child's mouth
-spend a night without sleep
-lose gadgets like the remote or telephone
-find your child playing in the toilet
-spend an entire four-hour drive listening to nothing but The Wiggles
-be bitten
-have facial or cranial hair yanked on without regard for the person occupying space under said hair.
-get into an argument with your kid in which the only words uttered are, "Watch Nemo (by the kid)," and "No, football (by the Dad)."
-find Life cereal in your bed
-lose keys
-have some kind of poop find it's way into your child's mouth, whether it's from a cat, dog, chicken, human, turtle, monkey, whatever. It. Will. Happen.
-have your hearing damaged

And there's more. So much more.