Saturday, April 05, 2008

Jesus walks

Blue Jesus, of course.  Everybody here okay with that?  I guess I should ask, anybody here not okay with that?  No hands?  Excellent.  Than let's proceed.

It seems Jay Bilas's schoolgirl/stalker/rapist/Deliverance-hillbilly man-crush on Tyler Hansbrough did as much to bring wrath to the legend that had become Blue Jesus as anyone else.  Hansbrough himself had done more than thought possible to overcome the dreaded "Doucheface" moniker, most recently reserved for Eli Manning.  But the Bilas-love was Hansbrough's Judas.  It betrayed him when escape seemed at hand for Blue Jesus.  Inevitably, unfortunately, history will remember UNC's #50 for a bloody nose and making crazy faces all. the. time.  Oh, and losing to Kansas


Doucheface, in all his basketball significance, could not play savior to Kansas's worldly sinner.  He was no Romeo to Kansas's Tybalt, no Road Runner to Kansas's Wile E. Coyote, no Sandler to Kansas's Carrot Top, no


What was I talking about?  Yes.  Okay.  Doucheface is done, thank God.  A month ago, I really could have given or taken Hansbrough and UNC.  But a tournament's worth of ball-washing at the hands of analysts and commentators alike became enough to turn even Hansbrough's parents into KU's biggest fans for a night.  The kid is good at college basketball.  Clearly, one of the best as his numerous player of the year awards - of which there seem to now be 9,736 - and All-American status attest.  But fuck, I know.  Few root for the player everyone continues to hear praised.  It was inevitable that at one point we would sort of throw up our lunch at the Bilases and Packers and Vitales of the world treating Doucheface as though he were basketball porn.  "Oh, look at that, the way he handles the ball.  He just knows where to put it when it's in his hand.  Ooooh.  And he's so powerful.  Look at that..." and so on, leaving fans wondering about spooge stains under that announcer's table at Tar Heel games.  Was Doucheface as hated or reviled a player as Duke's Greg Paulus?  No, probably not.  In a way, I'm sort of sad at the way I took pleasure in UNC's Saturday night loss to Kansas; at Hansbrough's impersonation of Gino Torretta; the way Hansbrough challenged KU shots by flopping.  I think it was more the Doucheface circle-jerk I was rebelling against than Doucheface himself.  Which, is kind of sad.

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