Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Try those salty Holiday balls

Matt Holiday needs to get paid. Don't want to click on the link? The Post's Troy E. Renck's story goes like this:

-Matt Holiday doesn't worship himself like he deserves to be worshipped.
-The Rocks wouldn't have made the playoffs without him.
-Holiday wants years and money to stay with the Rockies. He just thinks it's fair.
-He has a Jesus robe in the closet, but he never wears it.
-Fans came to Coors when the Rockies got good...real late in the season...like four games before the end of the season, but it was nice when they showed up.

Ooh, thanks Troy. That was nice. What's that on your ear?

Aren't we going to do away with this tired-writer template?

1. Personal stuff that illustrates he's just like you and me - Ah, his wife doesn't put up with his shit, just like my wife doesn't put up with my shit! He's got kids? Me too! He's just like me!

2. Why he's really better than you and me, like what he did last season - See, he could and should think he's better than you and me, but he's a great guy with a great wife who doesn't put up with his shit.

3. The guy just wants a little respect, and respect means he should get a 15-year, $726.3 million contract - That's not wrong, because he's really good and his teammates like him and he's unassuming and he can handle having all that guaranteed money because he's never going to get hurt and he's always going to produce because he's a great guy and his wife doesn't put up with any shit and he's got kids and he's just like me except somehow he buys the Cinnamon Toast Crunch made out of flakes of edible gold and gets to park in the good lot at Coors Field and the tiles on the bottom of his pool lare arranged to look like the stat sheet from that game against the Giants when he went 5 for 5 with two home runs and 7 RBI's and the liscense plate on his Escalade reads HRS4ME and he doesn't really take shits very often but when he does he goes in an upside-down toilet so his turds go straight to Heaven so all the angels can eat and keep up their strength so the rest of us can experience miracles. So, the Rocks should respect Matt Holiday.

All joking aside, the Rocks need to give Matt Holiday whatever he wants. He is Bonds sans steroids. That is, a brilliant thinker at the plate who can translate that into results.

1 comment:

SonDog said...

That was out-n-out hillarity. Especially the gold flaked poops that fly to heaven or something. Comedy dude.

Holliday is an asshole. If CLo read that, she would agree. He's from where she's from.